A poem for my own heart

Deception

I live in a culture that tells me "no"

No god, no more life, just death

To believe otherwise is only stupidity,

Especially where Jesus is concerned.

The current culture hates its past and

Refuses to remember its origin.

If I had a chance to live and die

in its past state I could freely know God.

You scream I am a fool,

And I once thought to believe you.

Don't suppress me anymore!

Don't condemn me for loving the Unseen!

But, my God says yes to me.

Yes I love you. Yes I will pursue you.

Yes I will be faithful to you

Yes I am here.

I live in a culture that says no.

No god, no life, just death;

But "stupidity" is making the simple wise.

I will choose Jesus.  I choose life.

Don't force yourself on me culture,

Your father is the devil

The creator of lies.

But I am reborn of truth.  The truth.

The current stir in this little heart of mine...

      Alas, it has been quite some time since my last "blog post"...  I am finding my heart at this moment being stirred.  So I am going to write.  
      I am overcome with gratitude.  I am being surrounded by women who love Jesus; who are passionate about Him.  I feel completely unworthy to be able to walk behind them and follow their lead as they follow the King.  I am surrounded by women who are wise, humble, caring, and full of faith!  It is so genuine that my heart screams for it.  I get glimpses and tastes of walking the path to Christ in their way and I yearn for it even more.
       Maybe this is exactly what the Bible meant?  "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works" (Hebrews 10:24) or "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17).  I am amazed at how prideful I have been/am.  Why would I not cling to these women and soak up every ounce of wisdom they have to offer me?  
        Their joy is contagious.  The love they have for the savior is not brand new.  It is weathered like a great book that is picked up and read over and over again.  It is deep and real.  The love is brought on by a continual experience of knowing, trusting, and obeying God.  I want that so much.  
        God is so.... (wait for it, you will be shocked).... WISE!!  In Titus, doesn't He speak through Paul on this very thing?  "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine.  They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." (Titus 2:3-5) 
         He knows my need!  It's not easy to always love my husband.  It's not easy to be self controlled and kind while loving my kids, let alone do it joyfully while growing in Christ.  I need these women in my life! And this is my bit, to say that I am so grateful for every single one of them.  
        Women, I love you.  Thank you for spurring me on towards the great Love.  Even if while you read this you think "surely she doesn't mean me," I am telling you now.  Yes.  I mean you too.  Thank you.

What A Pity

As I have been reading Scripture I have been blown away by the eternal mindset of those who knew God while they walked on Earth.  I must confess that I have treated this world like home.  All snuggled in.  It was two and a half weeks ago that I was reading Romans when it dawned on me as if for the first time that I am eternal.

I sat on my bed and said it several times out loud, "I am going to live forever!"  

It sounded sort of silly to verbalize it, and as soon as I said it a few times another thought came to mind, no wonder non-believers think we're crazy!  This is crazy!  Call me crazy then.  I believe it with my whole heart.

O the things that have happened since this realization!  I had my first ever panic attack.  Yep.  A panic attack.  

I was home alone reading a book about a chinese pastor in the late 1800's.  In this book, the author described things so horrific that I literally threw the book.  I began to shake uncontrollably, sweating, feeling nauseous, cold, and terrified.  I kept saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, come back, Jesus..."  

The book collided with some thoughts I have been having about where our own country is headed.  My brain got stuck in an unknown future.  Unknown to me that is.  My future however is completely known to my great Savior.  

God has been so gracious to me!  I am completely confident that His hand was even in my panic attack, and I am grateful. 

Since then, my heart is filled to the brim with compassion for people.  All people.  God's people.  The world's people.  Hurting and broken people.  This is the Spirit leading me, and I praise Him for it.

Also, my mind cannot let go of eternity!  Praise the LORD!  

I am becoming confident (only by His grace, for I can do nothing without it), in the Holy Spirit's ability to lead my steps.  That is where I want to be!! I can trust that following Him will come with suffering, because He told me so.  I think about all of God's messengers, His prophets.  What agony they all endured for Him!  Though they loved the people and wept for them, they loved and feared their God more.  Enough to endure such hardships and even death by persecution.  

Suffering, whether it be physical or emotional, will not be wasted when we suffer with and for Christ (Phil. 3:10).  We can trust Romans 5:3 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

So if I suffer, I suffer for Christ and for future hope.

I believe the Spirit of God will give me the grace I need to endure all things at the right time.  He will also give me the ability to speak His truth powerfully.  My eyes must stay Heavenward.  

I have been a fool.  A fool for loving Jesus only for this life.  Jesus is not God of the dead, but of the living!  My body will die, but I myself will live forever.  Where is my hope?  Certainly not in this broken world.   

1 Corinthians 15:9 "If only for this life we hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men."  

I am done living pitifully.  You?

Kids, sin, and Jesus

Today the kids and I were sitting at the table eating a delicious meal of pizza toast and carrots (yeah we're a 5 star home...), when Jonas popped out a question.

"Mom, why did Jesus die on the cross?"

I gave him a simple explanation, but that wouldn't cut it. "How did Jesus take the sins away?" he asked again.

Then an idea popped into my head (thank you Jesus). I got up, and I grabbed a plate, a pizza sauce, a clean clear cup, and a white paper towel. Then I poured some pizza sauce onto the plate. They kept asking "what are you doing with those mommy?" The suspense was killing them, muahahahaha!

I said, ok guys, this paper towel is God, and this cup is us, people. God created us to enjoy him and have a relationship with him. He did say though, do not sin against me (then I told them that the pizza sauce was sin). So I held the cup and paper towel in my hands and pretended they were walking together. Then the cup noticed the sauce. It looked so good! Then the cup rolled in the sauce and got very dirty.

I explained to them that the white paper towel could not be around sin so there was separation. But, because God loved us so much He came down to us. When He was put on the cross he took our sins. At this point I began to clean away the pizza sauce off of the cup. So the cup was all clean, but the towel was very red and dirty. I explained to them that Jesus took our sins on Himself, then when He rose again, He got a new clean body, so He isn't dirty anymore! And I folded it up, so the red disappeared.

It was sad to explain that some people don't care that they are covered in sin. Some don't even know that they are! And though Jesus wants to wipe them clean, they haven't asked. So they stay in sin and separation.

It was so enjoyable to see how such a simple example made them understand just a little bit more.

I am so grateful for such a simple way to show the gospel to my kids and I just praise Jesus for a moment of listening to His voice. I just pray with everything in me that they continue to grow and understand the amazing sacrifice He gave, but also that He is alive and willing to save by grace through faith.

O LORD, please touch my little ones hearts. Help me LORD to be aware of Your guidance. All for Your Name Jesus.

Amen.

Open My Eyes

At the beginning of March I began doing a Bible read through the New Testament, and I must confess sometimes it is hard to have fresh eyes while reading the stories I have heard since I was a little girl. I have found though that I can ask God to show me new things (Psalm 119:18 "Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in Your law.") or even forgotten things in His word as I read, and He is so faithful in answering me. It has been such a blessing to read and rediscover who Jesus is. It is so amazing. Jesus is the exact representation of God (Hebrews 1:3), and I can read about who He is in the gospels and all throughout the New Testament. God has made Himself known.

That is a heavy statement in and of itself. God. The Creator of everything known and unknown, has revealed everything we need to know about Himself in His Word, Jesus (John 1:1).

A couple days ago, as I was reading, I came to the story in Mark 10:17-31, about a rich young man. And those of you who know the story can probably understand why when I came to this story, it took everything in me to not just skim over it. It's so sad. It's hard for me to hear. It always makes me feel like I should be doing more. So I began to ask God to reveal wonderful things to me in His word.

He did.

The man comes to Jesus, falls on his knees before Him, and asks, "what can I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus answers, "You know the commandments: 'do no murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'" The man says that he has kept all those things since he was a boy.

This is where it begins to get interesting...

Mark 10:21 says "Jesus looked at him and loved him." Jesus already knew the man's heart, and yet He loved Him. Jesus loved Him enough to tell him what He lacked. "'One thing you lack,' says Jesus. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'

At this, the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth."

This is usually the part where my heart gets distressed.

"Jesus looked around and said to His disciples, 'How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!'"

Thoughts began swirling in my head... Darren and I do give, consistently, frequently, and our hearts feel happy and generous in it... But we haven't given away everything. What does this mean? Lord, am I even doing enough for You?

But I kept trudging along in my Bible reading, and then something that truly I hadn't paid much thought to before gave such hope!

Verse 24, "The disciples were amazed at His word. But Jesus said again, 'Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.'

The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, 'Who then can be saved?'

"Jesus looked at them and said 'With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.'"

All things are possible with God. Wow. All things are possible with God. It was as if Jesus pointed to that man and said, "You are not going to make it! Shoot! It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for you to follow a few commandments and be clean of all guilt! But, God so loved you, that He sent me, that you may have ever lasting life."

Praise the LORD. Isn't it so wonderful to know that our God is faithful? He truly has saved me. Not because of the good I have done or will do, but by His grace. I'm truly so thankful.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:8-10

Drive By

Last night, as my husband and I were driving home from a wonderful Bible study, we noticed that our gas tank was nearly empty The light hadn't come on yet, so we figured we were ok, but still we wanted to find a gas station. So we get to one station, it was closed. But there was another one just a couple miles further up (away from the city) so we drove there. Closed. We decided that we could probably make it to Sandy, unfortunately we were on Bluff Rd. A back country road between Gresham and Sandy.

We began to worry when Darren said "did the car just lurch?" I couldn't tell because my foot wasn't on the gas pedal. But in just a few short minutes we found ourselved slowing to a stop on the side of Bluff Rd. In a ditch. At 10:15 at night. Can I say eerie?

Thankfully one of our friends was able to bring us gas, but it would take about 25 minutes, because he had a hard time finding a gas station that was open too.

The thing that interested me was that we saw several cars that night, and about half of them stopped and asked if we were ok. I was so thankful for that. But it was interesting, we could tell which cars weren't going to stop. We could see their cars at a stop sign, it would sit there for 10 seconds or so, as if contemplating what a pain it would be to stop and ask, or just figuring that we have it under control, then they would drive off.

Even though we did have somebody to help us, it was such a comfort to know that we weren't alone. It was a comfort to know that there were very caring people in this world. It made me think that I want to be one of them. For some reason my heart sank when a car drove by. What if we were in real trouble? Who would help?

This afternoon I watched a short video called "180." It made me realize how often I am driving by. Everyday thousands of babies die in what is supposed to be the safest place in the world- their mothers womb. I have not given a voice to the little ones who cannot cry on their own behalf. And you know what? They do have a great King who is looking after them. He is their protection. But I know that same King is calling me to stand up for His creation.

I cannot hear of what's going on, and think to myself "O those poor babies, my heart goes out them, but I'm just one person. What could I do?" I have spent too much time believing (not outwardly, but definitely inwardly) that it was a lost cause. Murder is NEVER ok. Never. And it's not lost.

Jesus forgive me for turning a blind eye to evil. For turning my back on the helpless. For not protecting those who cannot protect themselves. For not standing up against a government who has given murder an approving nod. Teach me how to go about speaking up for for these boys and girls. By Your power Jesus.

Amen.

A tribute to my love

The past several months have been chaotic for my little family. We just moved into our new place after living with my wonderful and generous in laws for six months. It's not always easy living with another family, but truly God was so kind to us all. We are on the other side and we are still loving one another. I will say however, that it has taken me and my husband a little bit to settle back into the routine of being "us." And this is the lesson that I have most recently been learning.

As we have been settling in to our new house I have found myself emotionally blocked from my husband. I am still not sure why, but I was having a hard time connecting and feeling any desire for him. It was easy for me to get short with him, and not show him kindness. Darren (my husband) took note and decided that we needed an evening for us.

So the other night we set aside an entire evening to get to know one onother. No tv. No computer. No phones. Just us.

It was a little bit awkward I must say. To be honest I would have rather watched an episode of Psych or something brainless like that, but my dear husband pursued me.


So we spent the evening talking about things, and reading part of a good book on marriage, we had a good solid argument (yes they are so useful sometimes), and got some things straightened out. It was as if somebody replaced my heart with a new one, and as I pondered the the past few months this is what came to mind.

The past few years my husband has told me (as a compliment) that the thing he appreciates most about me is how hard I fight for our marriage. We have always said that we would never settle for just a commited marriage where divorce is not an option. We want to strive to have "the best marriage in the world," because in this way we honor and glorify God (plus when it's good, it is real good). This takes SO MUCH WORK. And the past few months I have lost the drive to fight hard. And the godly man I call husband has fought for me.

He was kind when I was harsh. He continued to kiss me when I was not wanting to be touched because I felt just as disgusting as I looked. He told me about what he was learnining as he spent time with the Lord, when I wanted nothing more than for him to let me eat in peace and quiet. But even his words would come to me through out the day, and I was gleaning such goodness from them. God was teaching me through him.

Most of all though, he served me. He showed me (and continues) to show me unconditional love. Never in my life have I seen so clearly what Jesus was like as he served his discplies. Such gentleness, kindness, patience, joy... It amazes me that a man could love me this way after spening such good time the unlitmate Lover. I am so thankful.